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**Matty12114** · 11:35 PM

These are all my jokes from my phone, i'll make sure to keep you updated if I get anymore, hope you enjoy them.

Note ;; Not putting any "black" jokes up, since they may offend some people.

Joke 1.

3 mice in a pub, having a mouse to mouse talk, who's the toughest one.

First mouse says he is, "I go up to mousetraps, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down, I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room!"

Second mouse says, "You poof! I get rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it."

Third mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door, "where are you going?" asked the other 2? "Home, to fuck the cat up the ass."

Joke 2.

Pacific cruise ship sinks, with only three survivors, David, Darren and Daisy.

They swim to a small island and stay there for a couple of years, doing what comes naturally, but Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren, she kills herself.

Sad for David and Darren, but they get over it and again nature takes its course.

After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing... So they bury her.

Joke 3.

Every time I see you, I smile!

When you walk, I laugh!

When you speak, I get excited!

For some reason retarded people amuse the fuck out of me.

Joke 4.

Jake was dying, his wife Becky was by his bedside.

"Becky" he said in a tired voice, "there's something I must confess."

"Shhh, there's nothing to confess, every thing's all right."

"No, I must die in peace, I shagged you sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know." whispered Becky softly, "that's why I poisoned you, you cunt!"

Joke 5.

Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen.

She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

After it he asks, "We haven't had sex for six months and suddenly this! Why?"

She answers, "I just washed the floor this morning, I'd rather brush my teeth then clean the fucking floor again!"

Joke 6.

Woman once said, a man is like a deck of playing cards.

Need a heart to love him,

diamond to marry him,

club to smash his fucking head in,

and a spade to bury the bastard!

Joke 7.

Two priest in the shower, they realize that there's no soap.

Naked Father John goes to his room to get some.

Grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back.

Halfway down the hall, three nuns head his way.

Father John pretends to be a statue!, the nuns can't believe how life like he looks.

First nun pulls his dick, startled that he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh, it's a soap dispenser!"

Second nun does the same, he drops the second bar.

Third nun keeps tugging, "sweet jesus!" she says, "HAND LOTION TOO!"

Joke 8.

A man was sunbathing naked on the beach, he saw a little girl coming, so he covered his privates.

He told the girl that he was hiding a bird, she left and he fell asleep.

Later, he woke up in pain in hospital, he didn't know what happened.

The little girl came to visit him, she told him that when he was asleep she played with the bird, but it spat on her, so she broke it's neck, burnt the nest and crushed the fucking eggs!

Joke 9.

The police are onto us, they are looking for a sexy motherfucker and a retard.

They've already got me, so grab your helmet and crayons and run like fuck!!!

Joke 10.

Man says to wife, "your ass is the size of a three burner bbq!"

Later on in bed, man says, "how about a bit?"

Wife says, "No fucking point lighting a bbq for half a sausage!!!"

Joke 11.

Just heard on the news.

Someone checked into the psycho ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat.

I'll come and get you this time, but this shit had to fucking stop!

Joke 12.

Not every flower says love, but a rose does.

Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus does.

Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!

Joke 13.

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, "excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melts!, he gets down on his knees, so that he is on her level, and says, "do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, "I don'y wealli fink my pyfon gives a fuck!"

Joke 14.

Hey, sorry my phone keeps ringing you, damn idiots on the road can't drive.

My phone is voice activated and every time I yell "fucking retard", it dials your number.

Joke 15.

Kids know far too much these days, this morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls, imitating the doggy position.

I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."

She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass!"

This is all for now, I hope you enjoy these (: